Please Don't Ask Me Why

I've found that the hardest questions for people to answer are "why" questions (WQ's). Asking WQ's rarely elicits a truthful response. I've often felt that the only appropriate answer to a "why" question is given by children. They'll usually say, "because". A child can get away with that, and so should us adults, but just try it. 

Generally, none of us is comfortable with self-revealing. Having to explain why we did or said something causes many of us to become a little defensive. Sometimes we find ourselves responding with what we think we should say, under the given circumstances. 

Let's say you're asked by someone to come to their party. Do you really want to go? Is it difficult to say, "No"? If you choose to not go, do you think they'll ask you why? Most of the time, they will. How do you choose to respond?  Are you going to make up an excuse or tell them the truth? 

You're a nice person, so you'll probably make an excuse, thinking to yourself, "Gee, I don't want to hurt this person's feelings".  How do you feel about having done that? Do you wonder if you should have cared for your own feelings as well as theirs? See what I mean about WQ's? The problem caused by WQ's is that what's really being asked is,
"tell me why you feel the way you do." 

It's not easy to share true feelings like that - at least for most people. There's a reason for that. Many people have had unfortunate experiences when they decided to share their true feelings. Feelings are fragile and they are easily hurt. Revealing true feelings risks being judged, criticized or even rejected. That alone makes most people fearful and defensive about sharing how they really feel. 

Is it ever possible for a person to be his or her true self and to share feelings openly? Yes, it is, but only if they sense a penalty-free, safe environment. 

Years ago, a colleague was writing a book titled, "Why People Do What They Do". There's that WQ again. I thought it should have had the sub-title, "A Partial List". There must be a million reasons why people feel as they do. And it is not always clear even to the person himself. 

According to one respected psychologist Paul Ekman, there are only six basic emotions - sadness, happiness, anger, fear, disgust, and surprise. That seems basic enough, so what could be the problem? Well those six combine in various ways to create many other emotions. Anger might become rage; Sadness can become depression, Fear might bring on feelings of embarrassment. Maybe you can see why I thought the sub-title would be a more appropriate title for my colleague's book. 

OK, that's not the whole story. There's a good case that can be made for revealing feelings openly and honestly - and it can be a very rewarding experience. In a brand new relationship, a person who is willing to self-reveal accepts the risk of making herself vulnerable, but if the other person does not take advantage of that vulnerability, and is also willing to self-reveal, an environment of trust will be established. That's a relationship well on its way.

If you ever find that your feelings are accepted and that they are respected - without any judgment - keep that person in your life. 
That's what we call, love. 

Can You Hear Me Now?

The hope for a world at peace has continued to elude us over years, decades and centuries. Religious leaders have been praying for it, millions of lives have been lost fighting for it, mob demonstrations in our streets have demanded it and even the contestants in beauty pageants, when asked, always wish for it. All of our efforts for world peace continue to fail (wars, treaties, alliances). I'm thinking that there must be some way to bring people together.

I have seen only two ways that large groups of people can be joined together. The first way is if they share a common goal i.e. all are motivated by the same desire. This is usually accomplished through training - usually rigorous, and/or experience - as in sports teams, symphony orchestras and military groups. In a healthy society, it is generally always present in loving families, religions and most successful corporations.

The second way of getting large groups of people to unite, is if they perceive a common enemy. We saw this phenomenon right after the horrible attack on 9/11 - but sadly, it only lasted for a short time. The best example is America's "Greatest Generation", when they joined together through the duration of WWII. Every man woman and child was emotionally, financially and physically involved with that national event. That's the kind of fervor it will take if we are ever to bring about world peace. 

It appears to me that man's efforts to have harmony and peace among nations will just keep failing. Peace cannot be attained by wishing for it or demanding it, nor crying and yelling for it. Nobody seems to hear the pleas anyway. If it is ever to happen, it will have to come from the people themselves - from within their very souls. That cannot happen unless a major effort to train them would be made.

It's the kind of training that takes place when people are part of a family or military organization. They are trained to obey rules and to believe in the same things. Additionally, they would accept the responsibility of always doing their part, faithfully. The result of this kind of training is that every single person would have the same feelings and motivation. 

Not only would they feel the same, they would act the same, together in a consistent way, while keeping their mutual goal in mind. They would follow the rules precisely, and would give their best throughout the entire effort. 

That seems impossible, doesn't it? Is it possible for people to be that cooperative - to be so dedicated to the same outcome? Never happen, right? 

Well, it really does, and all the time. Right now, certain groups of people, are able to work harmoniously together in a natural way - and on a regular basis. They operate as one, deliberately, faithfully. Who are these people? They are musicians. Yes, it's a way of life for them. What they are able to do so easily could just be the answer to our hope for a united world. Since there are no new ideas out there, I'd like to offer one - and it's all about music.

I've noticed that children who are trained to master a musical instrument seem to gain many additional life benefits. The discipline of practice, the beauty of harmony and the sheer joy of playing is useful in many areas of their lives. They find it easier to: study in school; work with others; follow instructions; learn leadership, as well as being able to follow; develop positive character traits like integrity and fidelity. With all of those common traits, musicians have no problem working together toward one goal. 

We've known about the charm of music since the very beginning of civilization. Is it possible that music might be the way to "connect" with all of humanity? Remember the song, "I'd like to teach the world to sing - in perfect harmony"? Well, Coca Cola sold a lot of Coke with that ad. Here's what I'd like to try - and I want to go big.

What if there were free instruments and lessons for every child in every school, in every country? What if learning music were given equal importance to reading, writing and math?  OK, I know that we couldn't count on this working for every child, but I'll bet we'd eventually arrive at a world-wide majority. And that might just be a good beginning for our hope of world peace.

Picture children from all around the world assembled to play a musical piece. Do you think that there would be any disharmony between the Israeli kid playing the violin and the Arab kid playing the cello? Would they follow the music faithfully? Would they follow the leader's baton? Of course. Their love of music and their training creates exactly that. As those kids grow into adults, their appreciation of music will grow. As they accumulate a history of "playing together", with no need for direction, they could just change the world. 

Here's a thought - Instead of us having a failed UN with its feckless Security Council, let's have a new organization - the "HUM" - Humanity United in Music, complete with an efficient Harmony Council. 

Hey, I'm no world leader or music teacher but, just like you, I share the dream of a world at peace. Couldn't we just give it a try?